rubato: expressive and rhythmic freedom by a slight speeding up and then slowing down of the tempo in a musical work
I’ve been struggling to write since landing in Hawaii.
A huge part of this was due to extreme mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion from handling massive life changes within such a short period of time.
Part of this also stemmed from the feeling that I’d said everything I had to say in my last essay…and there were simply no more words left within me.
But I’ve always emphasized the importance and necessity of process. So here I am, painfully taking my own damn advice, and writing my way through it rather than around it.
First, I want to say thank you to all of you who sent me such beautiful, heartfelt, and kind messages, texts, and emails.
I was not only deeply moved by your care and sensitivity, but also by the personal stories you shared with me. I don’t take your vulnerability lightly…and I want to thank you for trusting me with your own journeys and for very much helping me to not feel alone.
I want to say a particular thank you to the members of the Kizuna Studio. You have been with me every step of the way and it is no exaggeration when I state I could not have done this without you.
All of you endlessly teach and remind me of the power of connection, and you inspire me to continue evolving.
The past three weeks have been dedicated to settling in and reconnecting with myself and my own internal flow and rhythm.
I will be honest. It has been a challenging adjustment for many reasons and of course, nothing has gone the way I thought it would.
Certain decisions I had to immediately make have now been postponed. At the same time, choices I thought I could make a few months from now have become immediate.
Difficult as it has been, I’m trying to give myself space (and not feel guilty or stressed) and take each day one step at a time so I’m not overwhelmed. I appreciate your patience as I move through this.
Today, I’d just like to share this thought.
When everything falls away - physically mentally, emotionally - we are somehow confronted with an inner core, an undeniable truth, about who we are and what matters to us.
It’s as if all the constraints and barriers built by our limited human perceptions drop away to reveal possibilities we never would have conceived of otherwise.
Of course, this doesn’t happen all the time because it’s very extreme and painful and if it happened constantly we’d be dead.
But when these moments do happen, something unimaginable can come to life.
Something that transcends our previous understanding of self.
Right now, I feel as if I’m experiencing both a death and a rebirth, a release of what was to make way for what is to come.
A Grace I’ve never met before, one who has always existed deep within - stifled, suffocated, denied - is now beginning to emerge.
I feel her fluttering within me, slowly stretching her limbs, expanding, and taking her first, few breaths.
She has been stirring and awakening throughout this year and recent events seem to have catalyzed the start of this next stage.
For many months, fear had a stranglehold over me. After all, I don’t know this new Grace. She is unknown to me.
But I now realize the hope and beauty of that very unfamiliarity.
I may not know who I will be a few months from now…but I believe I’m really going to like that Grace.
In fact, I think I’m going to love her.
And for today, that’s enough.
-G
Kizuna Writing: Mastering Emotional Resonance starts soon - join us and learn how to bring the art of your writing to life.
I've been starting to read your blogs more since I've been becoming more hooked on using Substack (what a lovely platform) - and each of these blogs are thought-provoking and inspiring as hell.
However I hope all is well on your end and that you are navigating it in the best way you can, awakening to a better Grace than before :)
Keep doing these, love your work honestly.
I just left a comment on your initial post about this because I didn't see it until you linked to it here. Basically saying that I've had a similar experience with having to become a caregiver for a family member (two actually, my twin grandsons) while struggling in my relationship with their mother, my daughter. Like you, it was sudden and I had no idea what was to come. It was day by day.
You mention that things are happening you didn't expect, and things aren't happening that you did expect. I can relate too. And you're wondering about the changes that are happening for you, the growth, lessons, and blessings. About writing and working through rather than around. I did the same.
I believe you will find a much stronger, wiser, and grounded version of yourself soon. I believe you're going to recognize this was absolutely necessary for your growth, personal and spiritual. And I believe, like it did for me, it will help you really narrow down what matters, the boundaries you keep, the mission you have in this lifetime, the WHY of everything you've ever experienced.
Like in my other comment on your previous post, lean on your support system. And DM me anytime. 🫂❤️